


What do I do?

by sorryuser



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Jocelyn Fray death, M/M, Spoilers, boy oh boy do i love death, my own death that is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-19 23:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9465740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorryuser/pseuds/sorryuser
Summary: *SHADOWHUNTERS 2x04 SPOILERS*Alec seeks Magnus for comfort.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Co mam teraz zrobić?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727768) by [Pomyluna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pomyluna/pseuds/Pomyluna)



Three solid knocks on Magnus' door echo through the near empty loft. The sound giving Magnus a chilling feeling, as if something was not right. Then again, when is anything right these days? One more knock erupts, weaker than the last.

Magnus is nervous now, though having no reason to be, he stands slowly from his chair. Easily, he could wave his hand, static running through his fingers to open the door. But, it doesn't feel like the right move. He approaches the now silent door with needed caution, reaching for the handle and pulling it open.

His heart shatters at the sight. Alec, the usually strong and determined Alec, looking completely broken. His denim shirt covered, in what Magnus presumes is, in blood. His hand looking as though it was scrubbed roughly for several hours, hoping that what happened washed away with it. His eyes are focused on nothing, staring past Magnus and aimed inside his Loft. His face expressionless and Magnus can tell he's a prisoner in his own head, god only knows what he's thinking.

"Alexander?" Magnus whispers, scared that if he raises it any louder Alec might actually break. He doesn't reach out yet, he doesn't dare to touch him yet.

After a moment, he spoke. "Can I-" He pauses, swallowing roughly, "Can I come in?" It sounded as if he'd been crying. The type of cry that you try to keep silent in your own bedroom, the type of cry only the strongest people Magnus knew had cried. Alec's eyes still don't meet Magnus', instead they close tightly for a moment.

"Of course." Is all Magnus manages to say, stepping aside for Alec to step in.

He watches as Alec wanders in, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, and his feet dragging across the ground at certain points. He's barely picking them up now, Magnus doesn't know whether to be worried or scared. Maybe both is the correct answer. Alec sits slowly in the middle of the couch as Magnus finally moves away from the door.

"Do you want to tell me what happened, darling?" Magnus asks, sitting across from Alec on the coffee table. Alec flinches slightly at the pet name, averting his gaze towards the ground again. And yes, something's wrong, something is terribly and horribly wrong.

"I can't do it anymore." Alec says, his voice scarcely above a whispers, he avoids the question. Magnus can tell he's on the verge of tears again. His hands clench as he looks anywhere but Magnus. His eyes have tears threatening to spill as he tries to fight it, he stares at the ceiling.

"Can't do what, Alexander?" Magnus asks, following all of Alec's body movements, his body language screaming 'help, i've got nothing to live for.' and Magnus would be lying if he said that didn't hurt him too.

"Everything." Alec mumbles, "All of this? I mean, I try so hard and I fight as hard as I can but," He breathes a deep breath in, "It's never good enough." He finally looks up at Magnus, he looks up with those sad hazel eyes that Magnus loved so much. Those eyes that glistened whenever Magnus entered the room, whenever Magnus smiled at him or even talked to him.

"Alec, I-" Magnus tries.

"Sometimes I think it's too late for me." Alec let's a tear fall, not bothering to brush it away, Magnus shut his eyes tightly, preventing his own tears from beginning, "I'm scared, Magnus." He's still staring at Magnus.

"If anybody can save me, it's you." Alec says, breathing out a shuddering breath, "Help me, Magnus. Please, just help me." He pleads, finally breaking down. His head drops to his hands as he cries silently.

What do you tell a broken Shadowhunter? A Shadowhunter who was taught and trained to not speak of feeling, that love was not real, that it's more normal to have a broken nose than a broken heart. Taught a way of life that they must live by, yet they're not told what to do when they actually fall in love. Or, when they feel broken and absolutely useless.

Magnus opens his eyes and reaches out, slowly, to gently cup Alec's wrist, "You're allowed to scream." He begins, "You're allowed to cry, to have anger, and to feel useless sometimes. But, you are not allowed to give up. Whether it be on me, your family, or yourself. Please, Alexander, tell me what happened." Magnus asks again.

"I killed her." Alec mumbles, adding a lazy shrug, sliding his wrist down Magnus' grasp and holding his hand now, "Clary's mother. I killed her and I had no control over myself. There was a demon in the Institute, it fed off anger and distress and I was the perfect target." He squeezes Magnus' hand, "Everything's shit and I can't take it anymore. I don't know how to deal with any of this."

Magnus moves to settles on his knees, between Alec's legs, as Alec still holds his hand tightly, he places his free hand on Alec's other wrist now. He can see Alec's face now, he can see the tears staining his cheeks, his lips in a tight line, his eyes no longer having that spark they used to have. And Magnus is terrified, absolutely terrified. What does he say? What does he do? He's never seen Alec like this, so scared and so broken.

Then Alec speaks again, "Why do you love me?" His voice is hoarse and barely audible but Magnus hears him. Magnus hears him and he himself wants to scream.

"I love you because you're different and I won't apologize for it. I won't say i'm sorry that I fell in love with you." Magnus' voice trembled.

Alec shakes his head hesitantly, "But, loving me is a death sentence. I've learned that the hard way."

"Death can be the purest kind of relief." Magnus carefully takes Alec's head in his hands now. His thumb coming up to wipe away any of his stray tears, Alec's hands come up to wrap around Magnus' wrists, sighing deeply and tilting his head into one of Magnus', "And you, Alec Lightwood, are my relief. Even if you are a pain in the ass sometimes." Magnus jokes, successfully getting a teary eyed smile from Alec.

He tests the waters and leans in slightly, Alec notices this and hesitantly mimics his actions, Magnus closes the distance. Alec's lips are soon trembling against his, the way he grips Magnus' hands still on his face is heartbreaking. He's shaking now as Magnus pulls away. Magnus stands and sits close to him on the couch, quickly, facing him fully. He pulls Alec into a tight hug, letting him cry and break down into his chest. Alec's arms circle Magnus as he holds Magnus' shirt with balled fists. His cries are soft and tender and broken.

"Everything will be fine, darling." Magnus soothes, rubbing small circles into Alec's back, "You're okay. I've got you." He kisses the top of Alec's head, his lips hovering for a bit longer.

Yes, he's scared. Terrified at this situation. He's never seen Alec like this, the only time he's ever seen Alec cry was when he was laughing so hard at one of Magnus' stupid jokes. Magnus smiles at the memory, it fading quickly. Alec's cries die down slowly as Magnus combs his fingers through his hair.

Soon, Magnus and Alec are just there. Sitting silently in the living room as Magnus holds Alec close. No words are exchanged, no kisses, just the sound of Alec's steady breathing as he calms down. And maybe, he'll be okay.


	2. You're here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since so many people liked it I decided to make a second (and last) part to this story.

Alec wakes in Magnus bed, he knows it's Magnus' bed due to over excessive amount of silk he can feel under his fingertips. His eyes stay shut though, fearing that if he were to open them then he'd be met with a very concerned Magnus. Then he'd have to explain to him, without the crying and sobbing, what exactly happened last night. Why he was feeling what he was feeling and why he decided to spill it all out onto an unsuspecting Magnus.

Alec wants to forget it. He wants to forget he came to Magnus, very pathetically he might add, and cried into his chest. That he gushed out about how he had felt, what he thought about himself. And to Magnus Bane, of all people, how embarrassing. There's no time for crying, no time for breakdowns, no time for screaming. He's a Shadowhunter, he was taught differently. What would Magnus think of him now?

That's all running circles in his head. At some points hammering in permanent thoughts. He drags his hand from his side, in a slow and fake sleeping motion, and feels for Magnus. Alec's hand rests on his thigh and his heart beats a second quicker. Magnus' breathing stays the same making Alec believe he's still asleep.

Correction, he's not. His eyes were fixed tightly on Alec.

Alec opens his eyes and looks towards him, being met by a very awake Magnus. A very concerned and awake Magnus. Alec breathes in and then out deeply, as he does when he doesn't know what to say, and sits up. Magnus stays put, still resting his head on his forearm which is flat against the pillow. How does he start a conversation after last nights events? 'Hey, I'm sorry for crying into your chest last night. That was probably a very expensive shirt. But, I'm fine, really.' No. It comes into fact that Alec has never even been in this type of situation. A situation where he has to spill his feelings while in an awake state.

"'Morning." Is all that Magnus mumbles, frozen in the same position. Alec turns back to look at him and instantly feels horrible. He's tried, so tired, Alec can see it in his eyes. He probably stayed up all night caring for Alec and making sure he slept okay, or even slept at all.

"Did you—uh. Did you sleep?" Alec asks, though really he already knows the answer. Alec feels like a child, but why? He couldn't tell you that.

"I'll live." answers Magnus, he smiles fondly at Alec.

How does he continue this conversation? How does he get out of this bed, how does he apologize and run as far away as he can. Though, in all honesty, he'd run back to the Institute. The Institute where everything went wrong. Magnus, though. Magnus is his home away from home, as much as he'd like to not admit it, he needs Magnus. He's the person Alec wants to talk to but really doesn't know how to. He wants to ask Magnus about his day and that's as far as he'd go before he'd ask himself, 'what do I do now?'

But, all Alec says is, "I'm sorry." Turning back and facing forward again.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Magnus smiles a straight smile and gives him a small laugh, he sits up. His body is facing Alec's now and Alec can see his clothes haven't changed, but Alec's has. While Alec is wearing a pair of sweats and a cotton tee, Magnus is still in his clothes from last night, his shirt still having small blood stains from Alec's hands.

Alec's heart is close to beating out of his chest now. It all comes back in flashes. Blood stains. Alec remembers again. He killed Jocelyn. She's dead, gone, because of Alec. Clary will never forgive him, how could he face her? He looks down at his hands, about to scream and cry all over again, to find them clean and unstained, small bandages covering some of his fingers. His heart slows, Magnus took care of him. Of course, Magnus took care of him.

Alec looks at Magnus again, "What happened?" He asks, his eyes scanning Magnus' face, as he does. He says this as if he doesn't remember last night, he silently wishes he hasn't.

"You fell asleep on me while we were on the couch." He makes a small gesture towards the door, "I carried you in here, cleaned your hands, fixed them up the mundane way, and used my magic to change you into some comfortable clothes." Magnus is hesitant for a moment, "You didn't use your healing rune."

Fact, he didn't. He felt as if he didn't deserve to.

After a moments too long pause, Magnus speaks again, "Why didn't you use your healing rune?" He rubs his face with a hand, keeping it rested on his forehand. It looks like he's checking his temperature, surely he's not.

"I'm fine." Alec replies, looking forward once more. He rubs at his hands again, picking at the spots the blood used to populate. Remembering how it was when that demon left his body and he woke on the floor with bloody hands, one more than the other. It felt like absolute shit.

Magnus sighs, Alec can tell how tired he is, "No, you're not." He says, "You say that all the time, but you're not okay, Alexander." Magnus looks hurt, his voice even sounds pained. He reaches out and places a cold hand on Alec's wrist, this breaks Alec from his head, or jail, depends on the day. Their eyes connect finally, Magnus looking at Alec and Alec's eyes staring into Magnus', "You do it on purpose, don't you?" Magnus asks, squeezing Alec's wrist in comfort and concern.

Alec's mouth doesn't open, his hand don't move from Magnus' grasp, his head stays in place, and now it feels like his heart isn't moving. His eyes move though, they do that thing when they switch between 3 different focal points, not knowing which to really focus on. How is it that Magnus gets him? How is it that Magnus asks the right questions to get the right answers to really help Alec?

The questions ring through his head, knocking on every door in his mind. No one's home. No one's answering, so, Alec doesn't. Instead he lays down again, turning on his side to face Magnus' upright body. Magnus looks down at him, a small pout played on his lips, but he lies down as well, facing Alec. Now, they're just staring at each other. Eyes scanning the others face in search of something they don't know they're searching for.

Magnus knows that Alec isn't going to answer his previous question, he asks another instead, "You told me I could save you. Save you from what?" he whispered, gently cupping the side of Alec's face.

Alec shuts his eyes, his brows knitting together. He remembers what he said to Magnus, quite vividly, "From myself." He mumbles, feeling Magnus' hand wander up into his hair, "But, you're already doing it—saving me, that is." Alec feels cliche, yet, he also feels butterflies in his stomach while staring at Magnus. He watches as a tilted smile takes over Magnus' lips, "So, thank you." Alec adds.

"Thank you for trusting me." Magnus replies, shifting a bit closer to Alec. He's close enough to rest his head against Alec's chest now, the slow rise and fall soothing Magnus.

It's a calming position. The way Magnus' arm is now hanging loosely over Alec's hip, painting drawings into his lower back, is relaxing. Alec hasn't been relaxed in so long, considering everything that's happened in the span of some months. One of those things being when he first met Magnus. He couldn't speak, feeling as though he wanted to impress the warlock, and he did in more ways than one.

Soon the sound of soft snoring filled the room, Magnus had fallen asleep. It's true, Magnus hadn't slept at all last night because of Alec. But now, since Alec is awake and alive and somewhat well, he can sleep. He can sleep knowing Alec will be there when he wakes up. And, Alec can live knowing Magnus will be there for him, even when he's a mess.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! This story has also been posted on my twitter & werdsmith account. :)


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